Well it does pay off to be authoritative than to be authoritarian as both the latter and liberal homing system breeds the dangerous seeds of rebellion that causes abuse of authority and people who don't submit to authority at all. The problem with the traditional Chinese home is that they expect too much from their children. I am okay with authoritativeness since children do need to learn to hear "no" and to learn why it's no. But the problem with the typical Chinese matriarch is that no is no, she never tells the reason why to the point they become abusive mother-in-laws that nobody wants to be near with or would rather drown, get maimed, etc. because of their sharp tongues, overreacting attitude and the list can really go on. In short, it actually breeds rebellion just as a place without rules breeds rebellion. As said, want authority? Be an example. He who can't obey, cannot command at all. But the problem has to be that the traditional Chinese matriarch is, "Do what I way, I am the mother..." model rather than "I'm the mother and I should guide so when I'm gone, you're going to be better." model. Here's just a few dreadful stories I've heard about Amy Chua at Yale is the example of the Tiger Mom. If you think they just exist in the fiction of the "Joy Luck Club" you might want to consider the fact they do exist but let's face it, 'they can start losing their battle because their authority is shaky. The problem of Chinese mother-in-laws is a very common issue also because they're such tigers.
But lately, Chinese moms can lose their battle because they have crossed the opposite extreme of being authoritarian/dictatorial that is in being indulgent or overly democratic. I mean rejected for being a girl by one's father and having her brother liked over her better, beaten up by the husband just because she's a woman and having a monster-in-law are all seeds that sow rebelliousness in women in short, men are also to blame why women can be rebellious because they too are rebellious or in their quest never to repeat the same mistake suffers into a new set of mistakes. So right now in China we have the "little emperor syndrome" thanks to that stupid one child policy. So what happens is that China after many years of authoritarianism, people have fallen into liberalism. I believe a degree of liberality is needed in everything we do just as much as we need to constrain stuff. Like for example, you fill a pitcher with water yet you stop before it overflows. It's just like sometimes you should stop giving if you have nothing to give. That's the law of yin and yang. I thought really these emperors aren't emperors who manage affairs and run a country wisely, I could call this now the "Little Kim Jung Un" syndrome instead also because if the mother-in-law isn't a cruel individual, they can become this opposite extreme which just as bad- the doting grandmother!
Yup the very typical "grandmothers love babies" syndrome. That is if the parents aren't spoiling the children, the grandmothers are! So maybe they decide that bossing around their daughter-in-laws is a thing in the past, you end up having the empress dowager spoiling her grandson/granddaughter. It kind of reminds me of what a modernist grandmother would become guilty of indulgence because she makes her daughter-in-law time out the punishment that her grandchild deserves. For example, the grandchild was already guilty of cheating in school and the grandmother condones to it by removing the time out that was rightfully set by the mother which isn't good. Sad to say, some grandmothers have become modernists which can create another generation of bad husbands and rebellious wives because no proper authority is established. You have grandmothers who are probably becoming Mrs. Clauses if you have grandfathers who are becoming Santa Clauses which isn't good- Santa Clauses that don't give coal to the naughty but rather indulging in the desires of their grandchildren. =( Like I see nothing wrong if the grandmother decides to buy a PS3 to her grandson on HIS GRADUATION but it would be wrong if he demanded it and got it.
Really just a thought that if I were to model the authoritative system, I would rather have it like this to be an authoritative mother and to bring balance to households:
- Instead of musical practices, let them do household chores with the parents then they will learn to do so by themselves- initiative is only developed by constant obedience which automates in the future. But if you want to see if they have musical talent, let them have some and if they don't, keep replacing them with household chores one way or another.
- TV is limited to two hours, no more no less. If the person plays computer games then no TV for that day of the weekend. Sort of a discipline in having fun. Lock up the computer games, let the child only play one game a day and it's over. Then let them do something else for relaxation. Like say, "Well what game do you want to play today?" Hand over the game, play with them than let them play alone then I really think that works. Also limit them to Saturday to Sunday during schooling days. During the summer vacation, allow them to play daily but only within reasonable time.
- Don't buy too many toys and gadgets for them except as rewards for major achievements.
- Let them learn to eat healthy, delicious food rather than healthy but not delicious food.
- Sleepover rules have to be set like "Only one night." policy.
- Encourage them to reach for an A and reward them if they do, if they don't get an A, tell them just to keep striving for As so they don't drop low. Make every moment count- let them savor their victory, don't brag about their As. Rather than parade it, let the child learn humility by saying, "Listen you never learned to study alone immediately. I had to coach you first."
- Teach the child other methods to relax. Like if the two hours is over for video games/TV, turn it off from them and if they cry, tell them why you did it.
- Let them participate in school plays if it's required by the teacher.
- For hangouts, please know who the children are hanging out with. If they happen to be unsavory company, tell them why.
- Set strict but reasonable deadlines. Monitor them all the time, complement for good and scold them for bad.
- Being careful with how punishment is delivered. Children need to know why their spanked and timed out so they'll learn to appreciate it when they grow up. Fear of real things is more appropriate than fear of what doesn't exist!
- Never insult the children or bring down their self-esteem. Failure must never be treated to them like they are garbage but instead to tell them it's part of life, teach them about their failure and reward successes they do. Every little achievement counts as well.
- Watch TV with the children. Children must know that fictitious superheroes will NEVER be real. I would suggest they watch Super Sentai, Power Rangers or Kamen Rider WITH parents beside them to explain the consequences of violence, what's real and what's not!
- Best of all, establish authority by being a good example. The submissive wife and a loving husband make a better pair than a submissive wife to a rebellious husband.
I really had my thoughts that intermarriages between Chinese and non-Chinese is a trend to escape the harsh realities of this world. But of course we do need to balance both sides like I had written above. Nobody should be overly liberal or overly conservative. It takes time and balance to achieve them. But I just had thought, each side has their flaws and every business model needed remodeling and remodeling in order to be better. It's like I thought Western women learning to dress modestly is just as important as Chinese husbands learning to establish their authority by love and care, not by the typical, "I'm the husband and you must obey me model." Children who are rewarded in every little way with good stuff like fruits and a modest amount of dark chocolate are bound to be motivated to do good, while they must be taught to do good without expecting anything in return when the parents decide not to give anything.
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