After reading some people would commit suicide over a guy or a girl, I wanted to reflect on my warped side that I wanted to commit suicide over a girl and she was my so-called first crush. I just thought of why did I want to commit suicide in the first place because of her? I was thinking of my suicidal event over this girl which had lasted for quite some time, especially and maybe at one point, I did really like her though I did have an agenda over her... that was I wanted to be a partaker of their family wealth which was my I wanted her and later discovered, I did actually lose interest when their business downsized.
Until now, I still regret using my ex-girlfriend to help forget my so-called first crush. Although even after the break-up, she still wanted to help me get over my suicidal tendencies because we remained friends. I thought about how it's just wrong to date someone to forget someone. I really didn't like my ex-girlfriend, I just thought of dating her to forget my so-called first crush. At the same time, she got tired of hearing my so-called love story with that girl and how I wanted to kill myself because of that girl. I don't blame her for her actions, nobody wants to be used even the user.
I guess one reason why I could not commit suicide over my so-called first love was when I started to hear of my real first crush was out there, somewhere. After some soul searching for my real first crush, I realized I had hid somebody else in my heart. I really started to search for her and ran into another girl instead, mistaking her for my first crush. I just thought maybe visions of my real first crush prevented me from killing myself or maybe I realized there were other girls out there.