When My So-Called First Crush Comes To Mind...


Nothing really kills me with embarrassment more than the mere mention of my first crush.  Maybe it's because I was having some kind of scheme in wanting her was more monetary reasons and two, further acceptance due to some stupid tradition.  She's Chinese, she's from a business family... it would be good for business right?  I always thought about how disillusioned I was until years later, I saw her.  The more I tried to realize my tantrums back as a teenager, was it because I was so serious about her or was I just trying to do a publicity stunt?  When I saw her wedding picture, I didn't find myself hurt with it... instead I would only say my past is finally over.


Sometimes I end up thinking of why in the world I even dated my ex-girlfriend in the first place.  I only dated her to gain revenge on a girl who I liked but rejected me and two, to get even with my so-called first love.  I know, I've wronged her and we both moved on from the experience.  We remained friends even after the romance had died out.  The relationship with her was pointless one way or another which also made me think, was chasing her as a teenager worth my time?  I could only say no to that after all that painful time I had trying to get her, it was never meant to be.  This of course also had me thinking about how more often than not, me and ex-girlfriend had a terrible fight when she realized I was using her and other girls for the sake of revenge.

I could remember what she said, "Oh boy!  I just can't believe you just dated me to take revenge on a girl who you believe betrayed you for some bad boy.  If she did that, then you should just forget about her.  I mean, come on, you really should realize how you are so stuck in the past.  What if she never betrayed you and dated your arch-rival?  But then, I doubt it you would still like her."  It followed with me agreeing to end an otherwise pointless relationship and I remained friends with my ex-girlfriend ever since.  I always thought about my revenge on my so-called first crush and two, I was thinking I might have a bad marriage with my ex-girlfriend if we ever got married.  Besides, she's already married and I hope her marriage doesn't end up in divorce.


All my ex-girlfriend could say is, "If you love her, go for it while there is the chance!"  I decided to go for that chance when I found out she never dated my arch-rival.  No sooner, I found myself shallow and superficial.  So all these years, I waited to see her but the time I see her, I dreaded her instead.  So much for me spending time listening to classical music... she was really talented with the violin and the piano.  She played the piano so beautifully I really fell for her music.  I realized I was only in love with her music, when I saw her homely visage, my jaw dropped in disgust.  I could not run into her, I could not speak, I simply left without saying a word and taking my words back.  Then my ex-girlfriend could only tell me that it was just an emotional issue, not true love.


If anything else, when I examined myself, I soon realized who I was really looking for.  I wasn't looking for my so-called first crush but my real first crush who was somebody else I denied even to myself.  I had long denied the truth of my real first crush and the more I think about it, what if it's me and her or am I destined for someone else?  My mind boggles a lot if you ask me!

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