I Realized It... I Was NEVER Truly In Love With My So-Called First Crush!

I need to be honest with myself that I was never truly in love with my so-called first crush.  I was only wanting her for stupid reasons.  I'll admit she wasn't even attractive or anything, maybe I did have feelings for her but they were nothing more than "approval stamps" and "quest for power".  Which I started to think of why I even wanted her.

So how can I say that it was never a love story?  Nothing can be farther from the truth when you have a crush on someone with an immature mind.  Another, I wanted to have her because her family were big time businessmen.  Also, she was Chinese so it was a plus.  Even if she was homely to look at, still it was definitely a plus for any Chinese guy to have her for a groom.  But the issue was... I wasn't truly in love with her nor with any other crushes in the past.  Wanting to marry someone for power or convenience is lame and not to mention, stupid.

Why was I deeply hurt when my former best friend wanted her?  Was it because I was truly in love?  Nonsense.  Nothing can be farther than the truth that... we were both competing for power.  I thought that if I married her, I would definitely get my good shot points.  The more I thought about her, the more I realized that I only wanted to marry her for power.  My desire for her was a lust for power.  Worse, I lied to myself that I was really hurt because I loved her.

It made me think... why did I date my ex-girlfriend for a short time?  The answer was I wanted convenience.  It was all a game of deception.  The hurt was nothing more than a lie to myself.  The words, "I will never fall for another but her." was a lie.  I courted more than one girl at a time.  I always had my excuse, "Well she cheated on me, so I am getting my revenge."  Which of course resulted to more dramatic stupidity because... I simply entertained my hot stalker every time I felt bad or lonely.  Nothing can be farther than the truth than my "therapy sessions" with my hot stalker.  At the same time I had at least eight or more love interests as a teenager which proves my credibility to being a proper man is... super low.

And besides, love is supposedly unconditional.  Why did I not embrace her and tell her I love her after I saw her?  I got awakened to the reality she was really homely.  Maybe it was because I spent too much time with my hot stalker.  Then I even discovered that she wasn't even my first crush, it was all a lie and I was in love with another girl.  I even purposely ignored her birthdays just to ease my pain.  But things have to move on and I have to move on.  I have to find someone else and this time, make sure I really love the girl.