Satirical News: New Data Shows That Trillanes And Aquino Both Ate Bat Soup In Wuhan, China Late 2019

A recent ongoing investigation in Wuhan, China has uncovered new secrets. It was revealed by colleagues of the late Dr. Li Wenliang that both Antonio Trillanes IV and Nobita Aquino were indeed at Wuhan last December 2019. Both of them went to Wuhan for a short one week vacation. What was soon confirmed was that both of them also tasted bat soup in Wuhan as part of their tour. Videos of them eating bat soup were taken before they went home to the Philippines.

What was confirmed later was that Nobita did land in the Makati Medical Hospital due to breathing difficulty. Symptoms Nobita suffered were fever, cold, and cough and as closely monitored. However, he was dismissed from the hospital's ICU. It was said he simply got into the ICU for "security reasons". It turns out that he was the first Filipino to catch COVID-19. A week later, Trillanes was also admitted to the Makati Medical Hospital's ICU and was checked into the same room previously occupied by Nobita. Trillanes was later confirmed to be the second Filipino who caught COVID-19.

Later studies verified that both hosts mutated COVID-19 into two new strains. The first virus strain born is called Noy-COVID-19. The second strain born is called the Trillanes-COVID-19. Common symptoms that the victims display before they get sick are paranoia, mediocrity, and hated for Gloria Macapagal-Arroyo. Sufferers of Noy-COVID-19 also display a fear of renewable energy. Sufferers of Trillanes-COVID-19 tend to talk rather impulsively and have an unhealthy fear of soldiers and policemen. Trillanes COVID-19 is described to be super airborne where merely talking to anyone infected by it can contract the said disease.

The Patrick Star Hospital later sent samples of blood from Jover Laurio (who is still under observation) and Sarah Elgago (who was released a week after her infection) to Wuhan. Dr. Li's colleagues have analyzed the two new strains and verified that they are indeed more novel than the novel COVID-19. Both virus samples were described to also infect the brains of people causing an unusual change in behavior. Laboratory rats infected with Trillanes-COVID-19 attempted to launch a mutiny inside their own cages. Laboratory rats infected with Noy-COVID-19 were later observed to have grown lazy. Also, just putting a picture of Gloria Macapagal-Arroyo near the Noy-COVID-19 infected rats caused them to grow extra violent and had to be destroyed.

Stay tuned for further developments!