I Also Wanted to Kill Myself Over My First Crush!

I just had my thought to why I even wanted to kill myself over my first crush because I had basically "disgraced myself" when I had fallen her for. So what was the issue?  I'm Chinese by blood, she's Spanish by blood and I had to deny all my non-Chinese ancestry JUST BECAUSE it was a disgrace and as if, ancestry can truly hide itself.  Mind you, both grandmothers are 1/4 Filipino and can't be denied they are dark-skinned (the again brown skin is VERY Asian)... so what's the whole reality?  It was just because of "fallen honor" because I was expected to marry only Chinese.

So the issue was this,.. I took a vow of honor killing that is, I swore to actually KILL HER if I can't get my feelings over her.  Stupid isn't it?  And one thing was certain, I did attempt to kill her once only to find myself unable to... it was an uncontrollable feeling.  Either because her personality attracted me being the nerdy but lively type or it was because I just had my convictions.  Then again, I had issues with women when I was growing up because of stupid boys vs. girls battles and I viewed almost everything as a battlefield.

I would admit she had actually 'fixed' me many times.  Like for once, I wanted to accelerate my own intelligence and turn myself into a robot, she reminded me that was insanity (all before I saw Dr. Man's origin in Bioman!).  Another was when she seemed able to to calm down the "Devil gene" within my systems, where I could not even dare hit her like I did dare hit another female classmates (frankly, I have had problems with girls growing up).  It wasn't helping matters I also wanted to commit suicide over her because I was "disgraced" by a woman, which being a son of a traditional Chinese setting meant being a noble, especially if one were the firstborn son or in my case, I was the only son so I ended up believing in my wrong sense of entitlement.

What was also another reason why I wanted to kill myself over her was not rejection but because she actually stated that women are mostly more organized, witty and sharp than men will be, which I refused to accept and I wanted to kill her for it, but can't because of my feelings for her so I decided to kill myself instead.  That was until I was forced to admit that I actually enjoyed her designs I began to see men are better here, women are better here when it comes to areas.  She also helped me see that the differences between the two genders is what makes life wonderful.  She stated women have ideas but without men, nobody can get the event done and vice-versa, I mean I admit most men are crude and unrefined...  most male engineers make good blueprints but make poor house designers!  The woman tasks the designs, etc. then the men are in charge of putting things together.  I must admit, I usually praise the organization skills of women which most men don't have.

So I was humbled by her so I wanted to get rid of her but just couldn't.  It was because she was like the relationship of Kazuya Mishima to Jun Kazama in Tekken Animated Movie.  It was because she also had talked me out of my plans to murder someone more than once.  And I'd admit, I suffered from emotional breakdown to just being plain messed up.  I mean, I would admit I almost murdered one of my cousins for simply teasing me.  But she had talked to me many times, reminding me that what I'm doing is just fueling a cycle of hatred, a cycle that never ceases.  And she was a balancing force that when she disappeared for some time, I started to spiral out of control for some time.  And I thought since I refused to kill her, I might as well kill myself but again, she stopped me from doing so, instead we ended up joining fights against any form of gender discrimination.

Pretty much, you can never underestimate gentleness as a necessary force in life.