Satirical News: President Nobita Delivers Statement Blaming Gloria Abobo for Everything Wrong in the Nobita Presidency!
All I do is blame Gloria day and night!
President Nobita aside from what critics call as obvious lack of accountability has decided to blame Gloria Abobo for everything that went wrong with his administration. Yesterday, he had released a press statement that had made Nobitards love him while others to boo him.
The transcript below was translated from Tagalog which he made at a press statement while he was wearing a samurai costume together with his band members of "No Direction"
"My people... for the past four years of my presidency, I, President Nobita have vowed to bring you to the straight road. If there are no corrupt there are no poor, but there are still corrupt officers who were all brought in by Gloria Abobo. I assure you removing all things Gloria-related will save the country for the ill-effects that Gloria Abobo did. Even her influence lives on, bringing our nation's problems. The problem of this nation is Gloria Abobo!"
"Let me assure you that the Nobita Administration takes its full responsibility to punish everything that Gloria did. I had Chief Justice Raissa Ruthless, Justice Secretary Liar Dilemma, Senator Pink Lacson and Doraemar Roxas do the investigations. If you remember the Manila Hostage Crisis, it was Gloria's fault. Also Typhoon Yolanda and the earthquake that hit Visayas at intensity 7.8 was brought by Gloria's henchmen. I have verified that Gloria Abobo is a powerful witch who can cast disasters. She is jealous of my achievements such as the economic boom evidenced by the increase of traffic, so she casts disasters. She also ordered the disaster brought by Roland Mendoza to taunt me and she also ordered the Pinoy National Patola not to take action."
"As for the MRT, let me assure you when Gloria Abobo was President, she derailed the MRT and didn't do any maintenance. Believe me, right now she has even magically hexed the MRT. I am now hiring exorcists to get rid of Gloria Abobo's foul black magic from the train stations to fix it. I assure that money from the Disbursement Acceleration Program will be used to buy Den-Liners from Japan to improve our MRT. I have signed a contract with Takeru Sato... and I have declared Rurouni Kenshin as national Anime for the sake of Philippine/Japan relationships."
"Based on investigation by the National Food Authority, Gloria Abobo magically raised the prices of garlic and every other spices. It's also her fault that the price of rice has magically raised. She had called her minions and she has conjured evil spirits to bring forth a plague of increase of prices of commodities."
"Also, we have confirmed based on Raissa Ruthless' investigations that Gloria Abobo also sabotaged the Philippine military and police force. The incompetence of the cops and soldiers is Gloria's fault. She was confirmed to be giving information to Communist China's trusted soldier Damulag during her administration. And if Damulag is sent to attack us, blame Gloria!"
"Do not blame the 60/40 for the reason why job availability is low. Blame Gloria Abobo for your joblessness. With her hex powers, it's very hard to find a job. She has hexed many people into becoming jobless. And she is still holding a grudge against our Straight Path campaign. If you want to blame anybody why you are jobless, blame Gloria!"
"My people, believe me also that Gloria Abobo is at fault for the pain and suffering you are all suffering right now. I have declared the Anti-Cybercrime Law to punish all of Gloria's loyalists, all of Gloria's followers who have made memes to make fun of me. Believe me, the Anti-Cybercrime Law will protect you all."
"The proof that I do care for you people is this. Remember last year on Good Friday, I crucified myself on the cross to prove I care for the nation. This year, I cried during the SONA to prove that I do indeed care for you people. Do not believe people who say I cried because of all the teasing that's done against me in the Internet. That is utter B.S. (word was beeped)!"
"For the Ebola Virus, if it ever comes to the Philippines, you know who to blame... Gloria!"
"My people I will do everything in my power to get rid of the influence of Gloria for a better Philippines!"
Yellowtards began to applaud for President Nobita's statement. Some of them even say, "Give President Nobita a second term! Second term for President Nobita!" No Directioners all petitioned to grant President Nobita a second term and No Direction autograph signing was also done. However the Chinese Army launched a second death threat against Nobita giving its second warning that should President Nobita get a second term, they will attack Imperial Manila.