Another Relationship of Convenience I Wanted to Enter Into... My Real First Crush!

I would admit my love life is pretty complicated... and perhaps I've already had fallen for a lot of girls.  To be honest, I would want to talk about my real first crush and how she started to surface from several years of denial... which I soon wanted to have her.  I would admit the teenager years were very hard to handle and I was courting one woman so desperately... and never getting her attention hurt me.  And it was already, really hurting me whenever that one woman I courted didn't pay me attention.  And so, February was arriving, Valentine's Day was arriving and well... I was also going after my ex-girlfriend who I had a hard time courting... but at the same time, I was going after some girl who I thought was really gorgeous when she was NOT.

It's time for me to talk about is my real first crush.  During the time I was courting after my ex-girlfriend, my former rival was after her and he also courted her, after we had our very first love triangle for a girl who looks like Bea Saw.  My series of frustrations had to be with my courtship with my ex-girlfriend which we had our short relationship, over that girl I thought was really gorgeous but was not (due to a lack of attractive girls save my high school fling and some classmate of mine who got married last two years) and maybe, I could think about my delusional infatuation with my so-called first crush.  Now I was thinking of firing a shot at all of those girls I believed wronged me by dating someone had resurfaced... my real first crush who kind of resembles Rin Takanashi (though I saw Samurai Sentai Shinkenger much later after the incident).

How things went was pretty, pretty awkward.  So I heard that she had grown to be gorgeous and I thought, "Well if I date her, certainly I can piss off (insert love interest) and I can make myself look really good.  I can finally get my revenge and have my love life fixed!"  Again, I would even say my tears for that "really gorgeous" girl were fake tears as a result of delusion, my attempt to woo my ex-girlfriend (I didn't get her immedaitely) were nothing more than vengeance attempts... and I would admit the idea of meeting her again, I wanted to really date her.  She was not Chinese but so... she definitely looks much better than my high school fling and all.  I would admit teenage hormones can be very unstable.

What was really going on?  So I heard I'd get an escort who's pretty and sexy... I was thinking, "Wow I can FINALLY get my revenge!  Take that (insert name)!"  It was because my "really gorgeous" love interest (who was not) was also courted by a rival of mine who lost interest with her and married some other girl afte ra short-term relationship.  What I didn't consider is that any decent person regardless of appearance would hate to become a trophy boyfriend/girlfriend.  I mean, if I could refuse some slut who kind of resembled Ayumi Kinoshita, how in the world would I think a geeky girl like her would want to date me for the sake of convenience?!  This thought again floated into my head while having other wild goose chases!

What was utterly shameful about it was this... I had my relationship with my-ex-girlfriend who looks like Mika Katsumira to think about.  So I dated her for again... revenge... because some girl in College who I thought was a goody good girl was really a horrible bitch.  It didn't help that I wasn't really in love with my ex-girlfriend... she was just my tool for revenge against that "really gorgeous" girl, my so-called first love and that "horrible bitch".  I was gloating about her... all the while my heart was a empty void of sorts.  I would admit, I also met a girl who my mom had given high approval for my life partner... again I only viewed that girl as a "weapon of revenge", a tool to get even and to "look cool" which is just wrong, plain wrong.  Such relationships based on convenience are always pretty messy.  For my ex-girlfriend, I wanted to enter into a marriage of convenience with her.

Another behind the scenes with my ex-girlfriend was this... I didn't have an easy time getting her.  I was a frustrated suitor who wanted her because all the other boys wanted her.  What I was thinking during that time, I did at one point show genuine feelings but it was very short.  But the reality was, I just wanted to exact revenge on my so-called first love.  On the other hand, I found myself still wanting to date my real first crush to spite my ex-girlfriend.  She did come through eventually but it was for a very short time.  She discovered I was using her because I couldn't get my duel over a girl done and over with... and that I only wanted to spite that wicked bitch!

Now I even thought that all the while, I may have forgotten her.  Me and my ex-girlfriend mutually agreed to remain friends and she wished me the best in life.  Then later, after I had distanced myself from that horrible bitch (but nursed a grudge nonetheless)... I figured out that my heart again was yearning for my real first crush... at the same time I wanted to cover it up with my so-called first crush.  While on that search, I soon find myself falling for a half-Swiss girl who I usually want to refer as "my friend who looks like Pamela Anderson" but sometimes I'm inclined to think she looks like Amy Jo Johnson.  So I did think it was her but I was mistaken but somewhat delighted to meet another girl.  Then again, I had myself wanting my ex-girlfriend back only to find out that I was already wanting several girls at once!  Which of course, proves that a lot of my claims of having loved a girl so much... was all but a sham and self-sham all along!

The encounter itself revealed that I have been a user and was never genuinely in love.  I could dare say by now that with my so-called first crush, if I did love her, I wouldn't be horrified by her homely appearance.  I would have still accepted her.  The more I thought about so-called first love and why I wanted to enter into a relationship with my real first crush, it was simple.  Spiting... and later I discovered I was only after money.  Later on, I soon found myself still questioning why I was such a user towards the opposite sex.