Falling For Another Girl While Looking For My First Crush

One thing was certain that I was looking for my first crush all that while, no not my so-called first crush but my real first crush when my heart started to guide some crazy compass in me.  I was urged to look for my first crush but instead, found another girl in the process.  So I was whining about what if my former best friend was having my so-called first crush... the more I ventured into life, the more I realized I was looking for somebody else after my break-up which didn't hurt me that much either.  But I was urged to find my real first crush, hoping to be reunited with her which had a rather unusual outtake.

So I met some pretty girl when I was 19 years old and looking for my real first crush.  Then I saw a pretty half-Swiss girl who I seldom want to call from Pamela Anderson lookalike to Amy Jo Johnson lookalike, actually she's a mixture in a way.  I thought if she could be truly my first crush or not.  Then the more I started to familiarize with her, the more I realized that she wasn't.  At first, I denied that I really had feelings for her but the more I started to realize she wasn't that girl.  Instead, she was a totally different person.  I started to think about any whereabouts of the girl and found myself thinking, "Woah... could that be her?"  It was a bizarre attraction of sorts if you ask me.

Now the issue would go as far as this... I soon found myself drawn to her.  Good thing nothing bizarre like her guessing my favorite breakfast or cuisine came in.  My real first crush knew some things about me... she didn't.  The only thing I soon was freaked out was how me and her were into Japanese, Chinese and Korean entertainment.  I started to treat her first like a specter or I wasn't so sure.  It felt like awkward all the way when I was meeting her.  I felt shy near her because I felt like I wanted to use her and all.  At that time, I had to really cut off my "therapy sessions" with my high school stalker before they mutate into a deadly affair that can cause a lifetime of butthurts.  At the same time, it was safe to say that I had already made peace with my ex-girlfriend, forgot about that Lady Deathstrike (or not) so why did I have a problem with me liking her?

Well she's a nice person, not a bad lady.  However my problem was my tendency to use women.  I've used my ex-girlfriend, I was afraid I was going to use her as well.  I soon started to befriend her, I soon started to treat her as a human being unlike the way I treated girls for some time.  And I soon thought... later that I was really in denial that I like her.  For one, I wish she's still available, I can get that chance and should she be my wife eventually?  I hope I'm not just deceiving myself!