Satirical News: Malacanang Palace Says Expressway Incompletion Is Gloria Macapagal Arroyo's And Bongbong Marcos' Fault!

It is already January 1, 2015 and the due date for both President Nobita Aquino and DOTC Secretary Joseph Pabaya's supposed statement had come to pass. Last year, they have made a statement that if the expressway from Baclaran to Bacoor is not completed then they will definitely get run over by a train. Communication Secretary Herminio Coloma Jr. now has released what might be an official statement.

Coloma released the statement saying, "President Nobita regrets that the expressway was not completed due to unforeseen circumstances so please do not expect him to get run over by a train. After careful investigation, DOTC Secretary Pabaya and I have come up with the conclusion that Gloria Macapagal Arroyo engineered a sabotage operation. Among those who had helped her carry out the sabotage was none other than Bongbong Marcos himself. Other people responsible for the sabotage of the operation that failed to fulfill President Nobita's promise has not yet been complied."

Resigned Commission on Human Rights chairperson Etta Rosales gave her statement regarding the matter. "Before I resigned, we the Commission of Human Rights have done yet another proper investigation on the matter. It can only be linked to Bongbong Marcos who will bring back the Philippines to martial law days. Remember the son of a tyrant will also become the son of a tyrant. We do not need to do further investigation to prove that Gloria Macapagal Arroyo and Bongbong Marcos had masterminded the sabotage. Chief Justice Liar Dilemma will start the investigation as soon as possible." she said in an interview.

Kris Aquino was last seen crying on the matter of President Nobita. She cried in front of the reporters and said, "Gloria and Bongbong are just jealous of the achievement of my brother Noynoy so they decided to sabotage the train. If anybody deserves to be run over by the train, it should be them and not my brother President Nobita. Try to take a look at the Philippines now, we are Asia's next miracle thanks to my brother. During Gloria's term, nothing good was done. Your lives were not any better. But with my brother, he has certainly made the Philippines into Asia's next miracle." When some unknown person decided to criticize her tears as "fake", she got hysterical and got really angry. She got defensive with her statement also after some OFWs have mentioned that there has been a lack of jobs during President Nobita's term compared to Gloria's term.

Senator Bongbong Marcos only calmly told the reporters who asked him of his alleged sabotage case, "President Nobita is a real sore loser in more than one level. I just defeated him in a game of DOTA last September 21, 2015 then he acts like a baby. If you carefully assess, he does not move on from the martial law days and just keeps blaming me or whoever he can for everything wrong that happens. I do not think this is a careful investigation to accuse me of sabotaging and that I supposedly met with Gloria Macapagal Arroyo. It is outrageous that I would sabotage the train's plans or the expressway. I have no such power to do so. His accusation is baseless and stupid just like his plan for the Bangsamoron Basic Law or how often that the Bureau of Crocodiles has sabotaged Balikbayan Boxes, now me and Gloria get the blame all over again. Doesn't he have anything else to do? Besides, me and President Nobita have a lot more in common than he thinks like we are named after our late fathers, both Imee and Kris have had love life problems and that we both are the only sons in our clan." Senator Bongbong signed off calmly after saying that neither he nor Gloria Macapagal Arroyo had anything to do with President Nobita's failure.