Did I Already Let Go Of My Painful Teenage Courtship?

It's already 2017 but part of me still can't forget that painful courtship where I made a fool out of myself. I could remember how I actually started pursuing her even more during the -ber months of that same year. All I thought was her (or was it) because I felt like I truly loved her and wanted her even when actions said otherwise. When I was near her and she was 14 and I was 16, I could only tell her, "Hate me all you want but that will make me want you more! I will just pursue you until you're mine." This led to my rivalry with a classmate of mine who also had a crush on her.

My thoughts on her was that we were practically worlds apart, no even galaxies apart. I thought about how she was doing well in school and I wasn't. I was always having problems with my grades and she was a pretty smart girl. I thought about how I wanted her. I thought I wanted her and started to get serious when we were freaking teenagers. I told her that she would be mine no matter how she felt. I wanted her thinking she would be a good shot. I was determined to have her during the time I was 16 years old unaware that my affections for her were really fickle. Those were fickle emotions dictated by emotional immaturity.

She got married a few years back and it wasn't to my high school rival for her affections. It nagged my head how often I fought with a classmate of mine who also had a crush on her. Why I hated him so much was because of her. Her other suitor married another woman and not her. I had no motivation (or so I thought) to live because I thought she was my only motivation and my hatred for the other guy kept me going. Then I thought of the question of what if I won her affection, married her and only spent a few years happy with her only for it to fall apart. At the same time, I thought about getting other girls just so I could get my revenge on her. It's sort of like, "You rejected me! Thanks! I have a better girl now!" type of scenario. The scenario where I wanted revenge only led to these women discovering that I was using them as tools instead of human beings. These girls eventually rejected me because they discovered I wanted to get even with my painful teenage courtship.

It also gave me this thought: what if I did succeed in courting her and eventually married her? I thought of the whole statement that I'll probably be just happy for one to two years and the excitement is gone. I could see myself a man with a failed marriage nagged with the same words that I've heard. I won her but it became a Pyrrhic victory. My rival for her affections married someone else is happily raising his family. I saw myself having a son but I could not even love my wife one bit. Did I think that marrying her would make me get my revenge? It becomes a cold, empty reality that maybe, just maybe I should be glad I never had her in the first place.