Saturday, April 19, 2014

Satirical News: President Nobita Performs "Penitensya" on Good Friday, Becomes Laughing Stock Worldwide!

After declaring propeller caps as the alternative form of transportation, President Nobita was yet scathed by so many critics he decides to "appease them" by his latest stupid decision - to perform the "penitensya" by crucifying himself in public.  On Good Friday noon, everyone was invited to witness Nobita's self-crucifixion and get free ampaw and soft drinks to listen to his lecture for the nation.  Medical experts and others were there to make sure that the President doesn't injure himself.  Carpenters were hired to perform Nobita's "penitensya" which really had him whine like a baby as each nail was pierced to his wrists and feet.  ABias-CBN, GMA and other networks were there to record the event.  International networks such as CNN and BBC were also there to record the event.

Ampaw was served to everyone who listened to Nobita's "seven statements" which were namely 1.) the benefits of 60/40 ownership, 2.) why Philippines should not apologize to China, 3.) why EDSA should always be remembered, 4.) the project to restore NAIA, 5.) he has no fault and it's all Gloria's fault, 6.) the benefits of pwede na yan culture and 7.) why vote for whoever he endorses for President.  Candidates for his team's presidential candidate for 2016 will either be Marred Roxas or Krisis Aquino depending on who his tiny brain chooses.  People ate ampaw and drank soft drinks while they listened to President Nobita.  The Tondo squatters all attended causing trouble with their unruly behavior to adore President Nobita as a hero for the people.  Before the closing of President Nobita's lecture, everybody sang "Always Look at the Bright Side of Life" by Eric Idle.  Later President Nobita was lowered from the cross after the lecture and was given immediate treatment for his wounds at the Patrick Star Hospital.

ABias-CBN called President Nobita as a heroic president.  Guinness World Book of Records plans to record Nobita as the first president in the world to perform the penitensya.  Unfortunately the rest of the world thinks otherwise.  BBC, CNN and other stations around the world called Nobita as a desperate idiot trying to regain approval of the people and that Pinoys are no-brained with how they think about the Nobitacratic administration as an idiotic government rewinding the events of the late Rolando Murderza to pleading for the Pinoy drug mules in China.  Mel Gibson meanwhile plans to direct a film soon based on President Nobita's administration which is tentatively called "The Peabrain That's President Nobita" with Eric Idle's son Cary Idle tentatively assigned to play the part of President Nobita but will have to wait until the next Philippine president arrives.

Friday, April 18, 2014

My Wish to Marry My Friend Who Looks like Pamela Anderson

After giving some thought, I was already thinking of marrying that Pamela Anderson lookalike.  I would say this sounds reckless but I am thinking of marrying her for my wife.  So far, I can say there's some familiarity as her mom is some friend of my mom, she's a sweet girl and all and we have a lot of objects of interest together.  It's been something to know she's a pretty decent person despite her being so hot.

My plans involving her is a short-term relationship, get to know each other better then marry her as soon as possible so it'll be easier to have babies.  Even if she's half-Chinese, there's a possibility that our children who will most likely be 31% Swiss, there's a high chance they will most likely look like her.  After all, Caucasian blood does seem to override Asian features more often times than not even if it's the mother who is Caucasian.  Again, some women have stronger genes, other have weaker genes and the same applies for men as well because as said, weak people and strong people exist in both genders.  It's a very case to case basis but I wish that if I marry her and have children by her, all my children will look like her whether they be sons or daughters.

For family life, I want to keep it simple only seeking improvement to survive.  That is, don't accumulate too much money.  Keep investing with decent investments in good banks, save money, spend only when needed and buy fun stuff only when they're discounted.  That is, value spending.  As far as concerned, she is a value spender and a brainy woman (she's probably going to take her law oath taking soon) so I guess I can get along with her.  Plus, she's pretty much a sweet and kind person.

However this might be just a fantasy but I wish this can come true!

Satirical News: Pacquiao vs. Henares Match Tickets Has Over 1,000,000,000 Tickets Sold!

Kill Henares from the Bureau of Internal Robbery had said that Pacquiao lacks PHP 2.65 billion in taxes.  So what's it really the big deal?  The tax system of the Philippines has been know for being corrupt and stupid at the same time.  The whole issue of the Bureau of Internal Robbery (formerly known as the Bureau of Internal Revenue) has had its issues with money under the table, tax neglect and taxing people inappropriately while not arresting the real tax deficit people like businessman Cynic Lee.  The boxing match will happen inside the Araneta Coliseum.  Kill Henares was last seen practicing her moves in the hopes of beating Manny Pacquaio, to get a lot of money from him to continue her support for the ampaw government currently ran by President Nobita who will sponsor this fight match.

Last time it was known that Kill Henares tried to tax people with Filipino blood (which she calls as "Pinoy blood") telling them that are obliged to pay taxes to the Philippines even if their income was earned abroad and taxes were paid there already.  It was known that Kill Henares tried to exact money from tourist Sayaka Akimoto who has NO INCOME in the Philippines just because she is half-Filipino on her mother side.  Also last time she tried to declare other Filipinos who are earning money abroad and paying taxes to their countries respectively as "tax deficit" because of their Filipino blood.  Sayaka Akimoto may have been born in the Philippines but in terms of nationality, she is JAPANESE and you cannot extract tax payments from foreigners EXCEPT if they have income in the Philippines.

Later word spread around Asia that Manny Pacquiao will fight with Kill Henares in the Philippines.  Others who are confirmed who have bought the tickets are Jet Li, Jackie Chan, Steven Spielburg, Hiroshi Miyauchi, legendary Toei stuntman Kazuo Niibori, Michelle Yeoh, Mike Tyson, Tori Matsuzaka, Jason David Frank, Kaneko Noboru, Keiichi Wada, Barry Burton and other popular figures who are yet to be listed.  The Philippines advertises its greatest event and Sayaka Akimoto has also bought a ticket herself as she expresses she wants to see Kill Henares beaten up by Manny Pacquiao in a boxing match.  Despite protests from Bobo Muna, Migraine International, Anak ng Bobo and other "nationalistic" groups, the tickets were still sold to foreigners.  At least 1,000,000 Chinese were confirmed to have also bought the tickets and 1,000,000 Americans have also bought the ticket.