Recalling My First Crush and Fickleness

After hearing that my first love had gotten engaged to an American, at least I can say that the past is over and the wounds can heal.  After all, I am no longer interested in her and so much for my , "I'll always love her no matter what." which was but the result of plain immaturity.  So pretty much, being stuck on her had caused me and my ex-girlfriend to split up and she later found another man.  A lot of regrets really that being stuck with remembering my first crush and believing a harmful rumor that caused me to inflict unnecessary pain towards women.


At the same time, I remembered the time me and my former rival had a fight for four certain girls in four separate occasions.  Pretty much, the fourth woman really drove so much strife between me and him I chose not to pursue the fourth woman who I really wanted... also at the same time I was too in love with my first crush.  It just made me think having feelings for somebody you find special at a very young age usually leads to nonsense decisions.


In fact, my ex-girlfriend got into a furious fury when she discovered I was still in love with my first crush but we were too young back then.  I would say she was prettier than my first crush but I was simply trying to use her to spite my first crush.  All that caused the break up with the woman I could have had.  We did reconcile but it was too late... I found myself falling for other girls and she had somebody else already.  For some time, I had my infatuation with my ex-girlfriend in High School, had a short term relationship with her but everything went from bad to worse but I ended up being friends with her after the breakup.


In the middle of everything, I remembered looking for girls with a "resemblance" to my first crush but while I'm to talk about it, there was really NONE just the glasses.  In fact, they all looked better than her.  Then with the fear they will do what I thought my first crush did, I began mistreating them out of fear.


Time came when I had some other girls and some lost opportunities in my College days.  Moments of fickleness were obviously there and after seeing how my first crush looked like, I am saddened to think I started to find her repulsive in appearance (but it does puzzle me since a lot of ugly people don't scare me at all).  But I guess it was a result of some stupid delusion over acceptance of one's ugliness.  For me it resulted to three serious misadventures... I wanted to give in to temptation to that Victoria Justice lookalike, my second was with a geeky girl who looks like Liu Yi Fei, my third was my unsuccessful attempt to force somebody who looks like Haruka Suenaga to be mine and the there was with a Pamela Anderson look-alike who I tend to get on and off with.  In my case with the Haruka Suenaga lookalike I wanted to make her my trophy girlfriend while she did discover I also had a crush on a girl who looks like Sayuri Uchida.


Meanwhile with my former best friend turned worst enemy with who I had a fight because of the love triangle I had between me and him for my first crush, well he lost interest in her and had other girls.  But I always thought they were together when they weren't.  But everything had to move on and he's engaged to a stranger I never knew.  Past is past, reminder to self to move on.


Meanwhile I still am in that stupid multiple despair for various pretty young girls (while the irony was my first crush wasn't pretty) which I believe is leading me to do more foolish things.  In fact I fell in love with a girl who looks like Erina Nakayama when she was only 15, good thing she's an adult now.  But there were other girls too involved as well.

So as far as concerned, past is past and I gotta move on.